And So it Begins.... Round 2

Well, it has begun... I am on the juice again.  Nope, not steroids.... but back on good ol' IVF shots.  I gave myself my first one tonight.  Ahhhh, how easily we forget these sorts of things.  Like how a 15 inch needle feels as it penetrates your backside because you can't ever do it just right.  Something to do with the fact that I work in commercial real estate vs. a medical profession makes me horrible at stabbing the upper quadrant of my rump.  They start you slow.  I think it's to trick you but I am sure there is some more precise medical terminology for this.  So right now I only give myself one cc of delestrogen every three days.  But in about two weeks I will add one billion (approximate) cc's of this other stuff everyday.  That is the miserable part, if I recall.

There is always one thing to remember when giving yourself shots... not where to put the needle, or whether you numbed the spot enough or how much it is going to hurt tomorrow.... No, the important thing to remember is that you are working to make a baby for someone.  Oh, and not to hit that damned nerve that runs down your leg.   Anyway, the first one is done.  Hopefully, in about 15 weeks, there will be no more.

I do have a scheduled date for an embryo transfer, as long as my body does what it is supposed to do.  I already know that I am much more cautious of celebrating each step because of the outcome of the last transfer.  If I were a gamblin' man, I would say that I think this time is going to go great, but I just have to be more prepared if it does not.  Because last time I don't really think that I was prepared enough emotionally for the what-ifs that became reality.  But I am sure it will all be great, right?

As I was giving myself my shot tonight, my husband said something that made me feel great: "Babe, I am proud of you for all that you are doing.  It takes a strong person to do all of this for another person."  It made me realize that he understands just how much this means.  Not just for me, but for the Intended Father as well.  It is silly for me to think HE is proud of ME.  This man that is my hero and works so hard for me and our family said he is proud of me.  He is my soul mate.  He leaves Sunday for 25 days of intense training.  Then he will be home for two weeks and then he will leave for much longer to Afghanistan.  Things will be tough without him, but I will have so much free time to write random blogs about being pregnant with another man's baby!  ;-)  I hope to post about a secured embryo transfer date in the near future, so stay tuned for a play by play of round two, coming to a blog near you.

P.S. I am super excited about a new show starting that I think everyone should check it out.  I don't know all the details, but it seems to be about a couple of dads that get a surrogate to have their baby.  I already LOVE it!  The New Normal premiers on NBC September 11, 2012.

Moving Forward

I have come on here a few times and re-read previous posts.  It's tough to read through and recall how far we were and then remember that day in May.  It makes me pretty emotional every time.

Everything is back to 'normal.'  As normal as anyone's life is really.  I am hitting the gym about five days a week and that feels great and in June I even ran a 5k Mud Run with some friends.  (Hope they don't mind their pictures posted below....)

All the kids are here for the summer, which is always fun (read: chaotic).  And really I am just enjoying life.


  

I have had a lot of support from friends and family.  Even people that I am not close with have supported me.  There is/ was no way for me to possibly anticipate how I was going to feel in this situation.  So for those of you that did reach out and offer guidance, thank you so much.

Now, for the moving forward part.  We have talked about this and it is definitely happening.  At first I was scared about this, and I am sure I will be until there is a sweet little baby in his arms, BUT I am thrilled at the idea of us finishing what we started.  I had set out to complete a family and I am excited to still have that chance.  Unfortunately, it has had some heartbreak throughout, but that is all part of life.

We will need to start from step one.  I have contacted the IVF doc to schedule the first ultrasound to make sure all has healed properly.  And then I guess we will go from there.  So we are back on... Hope everyone is still doing great!

Shattered

Nine days ago my pregnancy took a very unexpected turn.  I had an ultrasound and quite a few complications were found.  It came as an overwhelming surprise to me and especially to the Intended Father.  So, last Thursday, May 10th, I was admitted to the hospital and come Friday I was no longer pregnant.  Clearly there are a lot more details here, but they are not mine to share.  Nor do I think that I am strong enough at this point to share them.

But I can talk a little bit about how I feel.  Shattered.  On Thursday when I was admitted I thought, I can handle this.  Obviously I was sad, but it wasn't my baby.  Well, only a heartless person can believe that.  To know that a life was lost is so devastating that there is no possible way to comprehend how I was going to handle it.  I feel so sad for the father.  I feel so sad for the baby. When I think about them and the last week and a half- I mourn.  I cry.  I sob. I hurt so much. I wanted to make that family complete so bad.  We had worked for about a year at making this wonderful thing happened and for it to end so abruptly was very difficult to handle.

Physically, I feel great.  Having a baby at 5 months is quite different than at 9 months.  But the emotional healing will take some time.  I know in my heart this sadness will never quite go away.  But I will be able to talk about it and face it head on in the future.

As far as the surrogacy goes, that is just a question mark right now.  At this point we all need time to heal before any decisions can be made.  But if he decides not to go forward or if I decide that, then it's a decision that I know will be well received by both parties.  I have grown very close to the Intended Father and I know how much he wants a baby.  I just don't know if that is in the cards right now.

Please take a moment and say a prayer for that sweet baby and his father in this difficult time.

ALMOST Halfway there... 18 Weeks

Well, today I am 18 weeks and 1 day.  It seems so crazy to say.  Time really is going by so fast.  It's weird because I think that when you are pregnant with your own child things seem to go very slow.... But with this pregnancy I feel like as soon as I have one appointment, just a few days later there is another.

I went to the doctor last week and she said that baby looks well and confirmed that HE is definitely a HE.  Which is good info to have.  Today I will schedule my appointment for the big second trimester scan.  This should hopefully catch anything that may be abnormal.  Ideally, there will be nothing though.

I would say about 2 weeks ago I felt slight flutters, but now they are more defined movements.  I can't tell what his sleep schedule is quite yet, but I am sure it will become more apparent shortly.

So I have some pictures of my progressive growth.  I have gained about 5 pounds at this point.  But that will surely be changing.  This week he is (according to babycenter.com) 5.5 inches from crown to rump and weighs about 7 ounces.  They describe this as the size of a bell pepper.  HOWEVER, another brilliant blogger/ surrogate- The Deputy- has much better and more relatable description.  I mean how often are fruits and veggies one standard size?  Hmmm, never.  BUT there are things that are fairly standard in size without much variance.  So, as The Deputy says: He is the size of liquid hand soap.

5.5 inches/ 7.5 oz

*** Be sure to check out her hilarious blog here.  It gives an entirely different view on surrogacy that will surely make you laugh.***

Here are some photos of my belly progression.  The black shirt is 16 weeks and the pink shirt is 18 weeks.

16 weeks



18 week front



18 week side



P.S. Yes, I realize the pink shirt should probably be retired until after the pregnancy as it is a bit snug to be wearing....

14 Weeks....

Still chugging along.  I don't have much to report so I thought I would just fill in with some miscellaneous details.

• This is what my womb looks like, apparently.

• No word on how the baby is, but he is growing and has a healthy heartbeat.  So I assume he is great!  I will keep eating and he will keep growing.

• I am hungry constantly and slightly queasy constantly.  Not a good mix.

• 181 days to go.  Woo-hoo.  Actually that sounds like forever.  So I take back my woo and my hoo.

• We found out recently that my darling husband is deploying.  This is very sad.  Say a prayer for him. 

• I have gained 5 lbs.  This is slightly sad, but a preview of the next 181 days.

• I wonder how long I will continue to wear obnoxious heels to work.  Like some unnamed celebrity...  I am going to try and deliver in them I think.  That would make for a great photo.



Toodles!

Constant Changes

10 weeks and 5 days along

 Since my last post I have had 2 ultrasounds.  And I have 2 more scheduled next week.  Unfortunately it's not due to just wanting to see the babies a lot.  After the discovery of the twins, I went back for a follow up.  The doctor then discovered that both were a week behind in growth.  This isn't too concerning in the last trimester, but he seemed more concerned since it was early on.  The positive thing is that both had strong heartbeats, which is the most important thing, I think.

So I went back in for another ultrasound and received sad news.  One of the twins hadn't made it.  This was tough for me to take.  Though ultimately, we are trying for ONE successful pregnancy, it is still a loss to know that a baby didn't make it.  But also, I know that the most important thing is that any baby(ies) are healthy and strong, and that maybe he just wasn't.  I still am questioning if it was something I could have prevented but I have been reassured otherwise.

Unfortunately, that was not the only downer from that appointment.  The one snuggle bug in there (he is a boy, by the way) is still about 6-7 days behind, but he has a super strong heartbeat of 170 BPM.  SOOOOO, I will be trekking up to L.A. (ew) again next week.  They are doing a regular ultrasound to see if maybe he hit a growth spurt.  If NOT then I have an appointment a couple hours later at a fetal medicine specialist.  There they will complete a more clear ultrasound I guess and see if they see any triggers for chromosonal defects or something. 

So I just ask that y'all say a little prayer that maybe he is just a late bloomer.  I have read a lot of forums and gotten feedback from other surrogates and many have had similar issues (apparently common with IVF) and have gone on to have 1 or 2 healthy babies, which is all I am hoping for.  Over the last 2 weeks I have been pretty hungry, so I will take that as a sign that he is growing ferociously in there! Oh- and I have gained 2 pounds, so that means he had to do something, or is it all going on my hips... hmmmm....

Finally, now that it is definitely just one little bean, we have an official due date:

SEPTEMBER 25th!!!!

( If you don't know me too well, this is my birthday- good sign? I do believe so!!!)

p.s. If everything is fine and dandy, I get to stop shots in 9 days..... another reason for those prayers!

1+1 Equals Twice the Fun... Right?

I got news about a week and a half ago, that was pretty big, but a little tough for me to adjust to.  TWINS. 2.  Dos.  A party in my womb.  It was a lot to digest and I am still getting used to the idea.  When I had the ultrasound, within seconds the doctor says: "oh look, there's two."  Like it's a normal thing.  Just FYI, it is NOT normal to me.  Even though it's only one more, there is a HUGE difference between one and two.  At the ultrasound, it was a bit early to see heartbeats though, so it isn't officially confirmed.  But there were 2 peas in 2 pods (so not identical twins) measuring the right sizes.  We will see the heartbeats later this week.  But here is the first photo of the twins.... Yikes!

At my ultrasound there was another great shock... My wonderful baby daddy (or Intended Father as some say) came to the appointment and surprised me.  All the way from Paris.  So he got to see his BABIES for the first time and we were able to hang out all weekend and enjoy beautiful San Diego.  It was a great time. 

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH TWINS!!!