Nine days ago my pregnancy took a very unexpected turn. I had an ultrasound and quite a few complications were found. It came as an overwhelming surprise to me and especially to the Intended Father. So, last Thursday, May 10th, I was admitted to the hospital and come Friday I was no longer pregnant. Clearly there are a lot more details here, but they are not mine to share. Nor do I think that I am strong enough at this point to share them.
But I can talk a little bit about how I feel. Shattered. On Thursday when I was admitted I thought, I can handle this. Obviously I was sad, but it wasn't my baby. Well, only a heartless person can believe that. To know that a life was lost is so devastating that there is no possible way to comprehend how I was going to handle it. I feel so sad for the father. I feel so sad for the baby. When I think about them and the last week and a half- I mourn. I cry. I sob. I hurt so much. I wanted to make that family complete so bad. We had worked for about a year at making this wonderful thing happened and for it to end so abruptly was very difficult to handle.
Physically, I feel great. Having a baby at 5 months is quite different than at 9 months. But the emotional healing will take some time. I know in my heart this sadness will never quite go away. But I will be able to talk about it and face it head on in the future.
As far as the surrogacy goes, that is just a question mark right now. At this point we all need time to heal before any decisions can be made. But if he decides not to go forward or if I decide that, then it's a decision that I know will be well received by both parties. I have grown very close to the Intended Father and I know how much he wants a baby. I just don't know if that is in the cards right now.
Please take a moment and say a prayer for that sweet baby and his father in this difficult time.