Shattered

Nine days ago my pregnancy took a very unexpected turn.  I had an ultrasound and quite a few complications were found.  It came as an overwhelming surprise to me and especially to the Intended Father.  So, last Thursday, May 10th, I was admitted to the hospital and come Friday I was no longer pregnant.  Clearly there are a lot more details here, but they are not mine to share.  Nor do I think that I am strong enough at this point to share them.

But I can talk a little bit about how I feel.  Shattered.  On Thursday when I was admitted I thought, I can handle this.  Obviously I was sad, but it wasn't my baby.  Well, only a heartless person can believe that.  To know that a life was lost is so devastating that there is no possible way to comprehend how I was going to handle it.  I feel so sad for the father.  I feel so sad for the baby. When I think about them and the last week and a half- I mourn.  I cry.  I sob. I hurt so much. I wanted to make that family complete so bad.  We had worked for about a year at making this wonderful thing happened and for it to end so abruptly was very difficult to handle.

Physically, I feel great.  Having a baby at 5 months is quite different than at 9 months.  But the emotional healing will take some time.  I know in my heart this sadness will never quite go away.  But I will be able to talk about it and face it head on in the future.

As far as the surrogacy goes, that is just a question mark right now.  At this point we all need time to heal before any decisions can be made.  But if he decides not to go forward or if I decide that, then it's a decision that I know will be well received by both parties.  I have grown very close to the Intended Father and I know how much he wants a baby.  I just don't know if that is in the cards right now.

Please take a moment and say a prayer for that sweet baby and his father in this difficult time.